Slow News: May 2021

Man in bathub Zepplin
Slow News Delivery

Dear Member:

A new episode (and rewrite) of Another World is here.

In other news

Dampford anti-planning commission has given the go-ahead [as it almost always does for any proposal] for item 6. The now-defunct Sartorial Gentleman at 33 High Street will become a rejuvenation center for slow typists. Ms. Blander, the anti-planning commission spokeswoman, said, “No, the gossip is untrue and there was no large donation from the Slow Typist’s Union of Rompshire.

Culture

Ms. Gloria Pettigrew’s new book, FROM ROUGH TO REFINED, is receiving critical acclaim. The North Rompshire School of Manners will be offering new courses this spring. New offerings include table manners with a module on lemon squeezing, elegant fainting, and sofa etiquette.

Sports

Outsider Daisy Plonk is Little Pillock’s new ladies’ egg-and-spoon-race champion, beating four-time ex-champion Marion Thumpington-Wallop. Special mention to six-year-old Clare Bing, winner of Keeping Still Sitting in a Chair event with a record time of 2 ½ minutes without wriggling. Bert Blog, the current Warmsley Valley Police talent scout and coach for the force’s standing-still team, took note.

Unfortunately, the gentlemen’s three-legged race was called off after judges had observed contestants drinking Weird Sister Tea before the event in the refreshment tent.