Letter of termination

Excellence, Success, & Hubris, Inc.

We know best

Dear Mr. Bing-Chumply:

It has come to our notice that employees have been visiting your website and laughing. While there are some namby-pamby, employee-coddling businesses who think that laughter and enjoyment lead to a more productive and healthy workforce, we are not of that opinion. We do not appreciate your spreading erroneous memes about slowing down.

We work in a fast-paced, high-stress environment. Our recruiting literature is clear that employees must have a sense of humor. This does not mean that they should be relaxed and witty. A sense of humor means that no matter how onerous the task, they should grin and bear it.

For some time, I have noticed a disturbing lack of fear in the workforce. Only yesterday, I visited the training department on the 35th floor. As you well know, they brought you in as a Slow Consultant to set up a series of languid workshops (LWs). Frankly, I have never heard of such nonsense. Why employees need training on afternoon tea etiquette, resting, and staring out of the window I shall never know. And another thing – the receptionist may not keep the jacuzzi installed for her behind her desk in the lobby. I found her sitting in it with Jacobson from accounts.

This slow down thing has to stop. We are terminating your contract with Excellence, Success, and Hubris Inc., effective immediately.

Yours sincerely,

Brian F. U. Grump,
Vice President of Employee Misery