Major Blaster (Retired)

Dahlia Cottage
Little Pillock
Near Dampford

Dear Sir or Madam,

In reference to your letter about SLOW DOWN WEEK, you asked about my diary entry for Thursday. Here it is.

06:00 Get up as usual.

06:15 Have cup of tea and realise it’s Slow Down Week. Go back to bed. Start day off with nap, just the ticket!

08:00 Daphne bangs on door to see if her dad is still alive. He is. Had a strange dream I was addressing the troops. I’m wearing a tutu and they are all dressed as chickens. Odd, don’t usually have dreams. Look for glasses.

08:30 Found glasses, but not before knocking over false teeth in glass on bedside table.

09:00 Daphne concerned I’m ill. But makes hearty breakfast with kidneys (my favourite) with lashings of tea.

09:45 Read Slow Down Week instruction manual and take bath. Sergeant Quack-Quack, or duck number two, develops a malfunction and sinks. Hum the Last Post as he goes down: all very proper.

10:30 Geranium inspection in the greenhouse. All present and correct. Get nasty attack from standing on booby-trapped rake. Rather bruised. Probably left there by little Cassandra Smythe-Blunder-Barkington-Pips. She is a born warrior.

11:00 In the bath again. Better for bruises. Read in paper about new study on relaxons. Apparently particles in air can make personnel more relaxed and impart a sense of wellbeing. Thought this was all military hush-hush. Slow Down Week headline news of course.

11:45 Sit in living room with me pipe for a good smoke. Daphne complains she can hardly see. Go to pub for lunch (and a smoke).

12:30 Eric (Mad-Dog) Madden tells me that in the United States every garage repair shop also provides hot baths for their customers.  Nonsense of course!

15:00 Just walked back from the pub. Had rather too much Newcastle Brown Ale. The policeman was understanding about the urinating in public incident. The police are a decent bunch of chaps.

16:00 Must have dozed off. Daphne, sweet girl, brings me a cuppa and a jam tart.

16:30 Work on me book “Tank Battles for Tots” but must be aware of the time. Don’t want to miss the cricket from Australia.

18:40 Daphne wakes me up. Missed cricket. Have supper and do football pools.

19:30 Have another bath, this time with me pipe. Sad about duck number two. Duck number one lonely.

21:00 Turn in early with me new issue of “Big Girls of the British Army.”

Yours faithfully,

Major N. I. T. Blaster (Retired)