The Pie of Troy

Helen of TroyGreek Soldier: “You up there! Helloooooooooooo! Mr. Trojan. Yes, you! It’s no good pretending you can’t hear because we know you can.”

[Trojan Guard looks down from the battlements.]

Trojan Guard:“For pity’s sake, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times. She’s not coming out.”

Greek Soldier: “Oh, don’t be like that.”

Trojan Guard: “What do you want this time?”

Greek Soldier:“We’ve decided to be nice.”

Trojan Guard: “You want to come in here and kill us all nicely. Is that it?”

Greek Soldier:“No, no, we realize that after ten years of siege you can keep Helen.”

Trojan Guard:“And you and your army will head back to Greece?”

Greek Soldier:“Yes.”

Trojan Guard:“Why?”

Greek Soldier:“The fellows down here have had enough”

Trojan Guard:“Oh yeah!”

Greek Soldier:“By all that’s mythical, I’m telling you how it is. Look, it’s hard shouting to you up there on the battlements. Would you like to come down?”

Trojan Guard:“No way! You don’t think we’d fall for that one. This is one of those tricks like the caper with the big chocolate horse, isn’t it?

Greek Soldier:“We didn’t know it would melt, honest. But thanks for wheeling out that great big pie.”

Trojan Guard:“You can stay down there.”

Greek Soldier:“If you do come down, we won’t even kill you or anything like that.”

[Trojan Guard sniffs and remains steadfast.]

Greek Soldier: “Have it your way. The thing is, it’s been ten years of heroics, carnage, and camping. Enough is enough. Many of the fellows here don’t think Helen is that hot anyway, and the rest of us can’t remember who she is.

[Greek Soldier  is joined by his companion Greek Soldier 2]

Greek Soldier 2:“Here’s us, see. We’re camped out beside city gates of Troy. There’s you, inside, but you can’t go out. It can’t be much fun.

Greek Soldier 1:“At first, we amused ourselves. We made poetic speeches about beautiful Helen. We fought and did our manly heroic things. Our muscles bulged and that was good enough for us.”

[Enter Trojan Guard 2 upon the battlements.]

Trojan Guard: 2 whispers to Trojan Guard 1: “Have they partaken of the Pie of Troy?”

Trojan Guard 1: “Yes. And it seems to be working. They plan to leg it.”

Greek Soldier 2:“Everything’s better in Greece.”

Trojan Guard 2:“What sort of things?”

Greek Soldier 2:“Self-development! It’s all the rage. We’re going to call it philothinkosophy or some such thing. And then there’s the sports.”

Trojan Guard 2:“What’s that?”

Greek soldier 1:“Sports are like battle, only not so many people get killed.”

Trojan Guard 1:“Sounds pointless.”

Greek Soldier 1:“Sports isn’t for everyone, you have to try it out.”

Greek Soldier 2: And we’re keen to invent banking.”

Trojan Guard 2: “Banking, you say.”

Greek Soldier 1:“Yes, yes, it’s all at the conceptual stage at the moment. Quite complex stuff! Difficult to explain! Instead of killing each other we can trade.

Greek Soldier 1: “You see, buying and selling is becoming the latest thing in Athens. You fellows probably know what happened to Ajax, right?”

Trojan Guard 2:“The big fella?”

Greek Soldier 1: “That’s the one. Well, he went bonkers and killed himself when he wasn’t awarded the armor of Achilles.”

Trojan Guard 1:“Moody!”

Greek Soldier 1: “Right, but you see what lengths people will go to get the right clothes. We’re going home to invent buying and selling. We’re thinking of calling it shopping. It’s going to be the next big thing.”

Trojan Guard 2: “Crazy! It will never catch on. So you’re not interested in Helen, then?”

Greek Soldier 1: “No, it’s back home for us. Things to do.”

[Exit Greek Army]

Trojan Guard 1 to Trojan Guard 2: “They never even guessed about The Pie of Troy.”

Trojan Guard 2: “Smells good, tastes great, but really bad for the memory.”

Trojan Guard 2 to Trojan Guard 1: “Read my lips, the Greeks will make up their own story about all this.”